Have you ever looked at a picture of you and known that what you saw was so far from the truth? The picture above shows that for me! It is impossible to envision from this beautiful picture of my family, the unrest that preceded it.
It is not clear that I had just been trading snipes with my daughter, or struggling to convince that cute little button to wear a dress shirt, not his bathing suit. It might be slightly visible the large boy disappeared the day before and fell asleep on the beach. Suffice to say we were all laughing and enjoyed the evening that followed without incident.
At a young age we are taught what our visions for our future should be. For me it was a husband, happy family, and exciting career that I excel in.
I sought out that picture early! I married at 23 and had three children before I was married 5 years. I had a promising career in fundraising and development until my picture perfect family needed to move away for my husband’s employment.
Although the pictures on the wall still looked like a loving family, the reality was different.
I lost sight of the smiling girl in the picture. I lost my voice. I lost myself.
Speaking up would bring judgment, silence or rage, so I avoided it. I fell into an abyss of silence.
I played along like an actor. Hoping it would shift. If we had more money, if I did better with the kids, if I was thinner.
Twenty plus years later, I have now been divorced as long as I was married. It has been a long journey to rediscover my voice, and it isn’t over. Once the fog cleared, I felt compelled to rediscover the bold girl of my youth. Where did that happy girl in the picture go?
Although my voice started as a mere squeak, each time I used it, the volume increased in some slight way. There were people who helped it encouraged it to grow. Friends, family, my sweet kids, a new love, and finding an amazing group of women also looking for their voices to hold my hand, the Speaker Sisterhood. There were small incidents that celebrated the growth, encouraging even more.
One amazing example recognizing this shift happened riding in the car with my 12 year old daughter. Only a few years after my divorce we were talking about confidence. She shared she thought I was always confident. I suggested to her that this was one gift she received from the divorce. I was beyond happy she saw me as confident, not the emotional mess that cried on her stool in the kitchen.
The problem with losing your voice is that it is tied so deeply within. Your confidence, your spirit, your belief in who you are, being ok in this world, are all linked to it.
I am using my voice and my confidence and belief in myself is soaring! I am able to confidently stand and know that my new picture is so much deeper than just sitting in a frame on the wall.
It is the utter being of who I am. I am love. I am strength.
Find your voice, your life depends on it!
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